Sadie's Sick

Sadie has had a fever, cough and cold for the last four days. Our usually goofy girl would lie listless on the floor and moan. She has vomited on us, peed on us and has used us a human snot rag. If that's not love and bonding, than I don't know what is. It was pretty scary when her fever would spike but modern medicine has brought us all some comfort as did our pediatrician and friends. And then I got sick too. I think I'm a day behind Sadie in getting better. In our attempt to divert Sadie from her sickness, we took walks in the neighorhood and introduced her to PBS. Hey, when you sick, there are no rules. She wasn't that interested in the TV but she now knows how to use the remote. She also helped make Greg's first Father's Day card. Her handprint looks very nice. I'm going to keep this entry short. I'm feeling the need to lie on the floor and moan a bit like Sadie.


Sadie's Top Favorite Things To Do So Far
1. Eat cheerios from a cup, the table, the floor, the seat of her stroller, etc.
2. Eat veggie booty.
3. Get up on the couch and fall backwards into the unknown.
4. Take a bath and then roll around on the bed, stretch and giggle. It's extra special if she can hold her diaper ointment tube while doing this.
5. Look at dogs. All sizes and breeds.
6. Watch older kids.
7. Hold a cell phone up to her ear and babble.
8. Play with the remote. She really likes the blue button. I hope she's not ordering movies...
9. Look at her book about babies.
10. Chew on her toes.

Sadie's diaper

We just found out that we have been putting Sadie's diaper on backwards since we met her. Greg and I were sure that Elmo was upfront and center and not relegated to the back of the butt. There was never any question in our mind. All is well now and we thank our buddies up in Sleepy Hollow for setting us straight.

It has been a mere six days that we have had Sadie in NYC and there have been many firsts for her already. She met her first horse courtesy of a nice policeman that patrols our neighborhood, she saw her first butterfly which we met on the path to our apartment building, she had her first experience with sand (doesn't like it) and heard her first rock concert below her bedroom window. The music wasn't that good and I was pissed at the loudness. It was Sadie's bedtime and nobody messes with me on that one unless the music is worthy.

Sadie has explored every inch of the apartment. In all fairness, it didn't take that long. Her favorite things to do are to wiggle her tongue, shake back and forth to music, attempt to feed herself, read her book about babies every day on the hour, lift things that make her parents nervous, walk with help, and pucker her mouth when she eats fruit. She loves the bath and her toes.

She has been poked by neighorhood kids in the playground and has met a sweet little girl of about four who declared upon meeting us that she was "a fairy." She pulled out a compact and lipstick from a Sephora bag to prove it. There must have been some kind of promotion in our neighborhood that day.

The jet lag is getting better, almost feel recovered. Sadie's visit to the doctor went well. She's all clear on her medical tests and even earned a prize for being a good sport when they drew her blood for testing. Greg and I hit the bed soon after Sadie does and it feels good. After a beer.

Jetlagged

We've been home now for 3.5 days and the jetlag is finally starting to wear off. There were moments over the last couple of days where we would just nod off mid-sentence sometimes the thought of having to stand up to walk across the room to pick up a toy or get a bottle or go to the bathroom was contemplated for 20 minutes before anything happened. The spaced out, tripped out feeling is one thing but add to that the constant bending over and picking up Sadie or the up and down of laying on the floor with her in all manner of odd positions playing, chasing, comforting, fetching, etc. and now we're hurting all over. I was in decent shape before the trip but I feel as though I've been in intense training for the last 48 hours. We do constant squats, up and down, so my upper legs and butt are hurting big time. My shoulders and back ache as well. But its a total gas.

We didn't eat much from Thursday to Saturday. I didn't eat anything at all on Friday - it was just too much trouble. Between keeping up with Sadie who's crawling now and jetlagged too so she's irritable as hell and melting down a lot, cooking food for ourselves just hasn't happened. The advice we received before we left to prepare a lot of food that can be frozen and easily heated up was ignored and now we're regretting it big time. We don't have any family close by either so the last few days we've been on our own. I would say if you can have someone help you out for the first few days back - do it.

On Friday Sadie had her first pediatrician visit and she's in great shape. She's right on target for her age in all the various milestones and measurements and ahead in a few too. We're so relieved. She hasn't been sleeping much due to the jetlag but other than that she's fit. We're so lucky. We have to take her back to the pediatrician tomorrow to get the results from her TB test and to hand off the stool samples which will be checked for parasites.

The first 3 nights she woke up at midnight and 3 screaming bloody murder. She had never done this in China so we were totally confused. We got up with her and tried to comfort her but she wasn't having it. We figured out she's teething and dealing with the jetlag. I feel bad for our neighbors but I'm happy she's got such a powerful set of lungs. Sometimes when she screams my ear drums vibrate and hurt. Its awesome. I'm going to record her scream and use it in a song. But still, the neighbors have to be bumming. Too bad. I've listened to their drunken 3 AM parties and the bad music they blast plenty of times and never complained.

Speaking of music, the first song she ever "danced" to appropriately enough was Family Affair by Sly and the Family Stone. I think her favorite Beatle song is Love Me Do.

The blog posts from China

Apparently none of the posts I made in China except the one from Beijing published. They are all published now. Two reasons for this; one, the blog interface was all in Chinese characters on the computers we were using so I was guessing a lot when I clicked on a button or link. If the post appeared in the list of posts then I figured it was live. Two, we couldn't see the actual blog in China due to censorship I guess so we never knew if it was live or not. We would get emails from people saying the blog was great so I figured it was working.

Apologies for the late publishing of the posts but again, they are all there now and are in chronological order.

This photo is of Sadie and I in the Hong Kong airport right after passing through the country exit check. When the Chinese official working the exit check station was going through our documents Sadie was banging herself on the head with a stacking cup and drooling. I'm sure the guy was impressed and happy we were taking this little nut-job back to the States.

The long flight home

Yesterday we flew from Guangzhou to Hong Kong to Newark. The first flight from Guangzhou to Hong Kong left at 8:25 AM and was about an hour. After a brief lay over in HK we took off for Newark. That flight was 15.5 hours. It was hell. We knew it was going to be bad but we had no idea how bad until about 45 minutes after takeoff when the cabin lights were off in all the other parts of the airplane except for the rear cabin where we sat. The flight crew could not get the lights off or turn off the air conditioner in our cabin so it was bright as day the whole time and really cold. Needless to say the babies and parents sitting in this section - including us - were wigging out.

Sadie probably screamed and cried for 10 of the 15.5 hours. She would not sleep and the more tired she got the more wired and cranky she became. We walked her up and down the aisles of the plane to entertain her but she grew bored with that too. We fed her cheerios constantly which mollified her but only so much. She finally conked out about hour 11 for a 2 hour nap. We made a little tent out of the airline blankets to shield her from the light but the noise in the cabin was intense and nonstop. The kid behind us, a boy about 3 was melting down hourly with shrieking screaming. The guy sitting right in front of me coughed constantly every 30 seconds or so. Sadie was laying between Jackie and I - we had 3 seats together on the right side of the plane but with Sadie going nuts between us - constantly throwing herself back and forth between us and with 2 carry-on bags on the floor at our feet it was really uncomfortable and tedious.

To make matters worse, the flight crew were a bunch of bitter old ladies who should have retired a long time ago. One particularly nasty shrew commented loudly to the other shrews that if the passengers didn't like the lights they could put on their sun glasses. She didn't know I was standing in the back next to the galley with Sadie. Another time one of the nasty hags said she was going to turn off the entire flight attendant call system because she was "tired" of people ringing for service. I'll never fly Continental again.

But despite all this at the end of the long flight we were so charged and happy to get off the plane on American soil with our baby. Mission accomplished as the saying goes. Walking through the terminal to immigration and customs with Sadie were the happiest moments of our lives. We did it. We couldn't believe it. We traveled to the other side of the world and came home with a baby and the baby is ours forever. We're a family now. Incredible.


First family photo on American soil.

Last day in Guangzhou

Today we go to the US consulate for the swearing in. This will be the last official piece of business we have to do. We leave the hotel at 6 tomorrow morning. A new group of people arrived last night who are adopting from this province, Guangdong, so they get to spend the bulk of their trip here at the White Swan. Nice. We met a family from this group this morning and we're going to give them our stroller we bought at the walmart in Nanchang. It was 179 RMB which is approx $21.

Yesterday was Sadie's birthday and we had a nice party in the lobby bar overlooking the river. Sadie wore her tiger hat for the whole party. Our agency bought her a nice cake. It was really nice to be able to share her first birthday with all her cousins. The tiger hat is worn by children on their first birthday because it captures all the good luck, long life and happiness gifts raining down from heaven between the ears of the hat. I think Sadie captured a lot of those good vibes yesterday.

At least one of the parents in each family in our group is sick now. There's a nasty sore throat/cold going around. Jackie had it be is getting better. If I had to give one piece of advice to families coming over I'd say bring a lot of medicine for yourselves and the baby. Tylenol, ear drops, antibiotics (don't let anyone tell you not to bring the antibiotics - when you or your baby is sick in the third world you'll be extremely happy you have them). Don't bring a lot of diapers or baby food because you can get all of that here. Don't bring a stroller either.

In Beijing, Nanchang and Guangzhou we had no trouble buying all the western gear we needed from medicine to candy. And most of the people who work in the stores speak english. You should definitely bring a laptop too. The hotel computers mostly suck, are slow, in Chinese and are sticky to the touch. Today I got lucky with this computer - it works well and is in English. Its well worth the extra lugging around you'll have to do and you'll save yourself a lot of RMB and frustration if you bring your own computer.

Tomorrow is going to be rough. I'm dreading the two flights we have to take but its comforting to know there will be many other families returning from China on the flights and they'll all have screaming kids with them. But tomorrow night Sadie sleeps in her own crib in NYC.

Sadie's birthday

We are on our way to a group photo on the infamous red couch at the White Swan hotel and then it's a birthday celebration for our Sadie. She is wearing red shoes, lovely purple Chinese clothes and a clean diaper. She's set. It's hard to believe that we have only had Sadie less than eight days. Simply amazing. She is curious and finds interest in the fluff on the floor to the lights on the elevator. She is teething now and her cold is still with us all.

The heat outside the hotel is intense, like wading through cotton soaked in soup. The hotel is on an island and boats and people pass by thoughout the day. We explore the streets outside the hotel for as long as Sadie and us can take it. With a teething biscuit in hand, she can go far longer than Greg or I.

Our paperwork is in the U.S. Embassy, tomorrow we go to our swearing ceremony where we promise to love and educate our tub of love monkey, Sadie. Then we start the trek home at 6 a.m. on Wednesday. Not even Sadie is awake at that hour.

We are off to party!

Love,
Jackie

arrived in Guangzhou

we arrived in Guangzhou last night in a driving rain and lightening storm. It was a hectic flight and luggage wrestling match before we even got on the bus. It was the usual insane driving on the highway made that much more insane by the raging storm complete with blinding lightening bolts and angry truck drivers. Completely rattled we arrived at the White Swan hotel and were relieved to find a true oasis of western comfort and decadence. The hotel is without question the swankiest of the trip so far. Richard Nixon stayed here many times. There are USA Today papers, Guiness and Hagen Daz. Damn. It almost feels like we're on vacation.

Sadie is 100% better and is no longer coughing or wheezing. She started crawling today. We're amazed and delighted. She's got a giant personality and on the plane charmed the last several rows of Chinese guys. The guys were passing her around and she was loving it. It was kind of nuts actually.

She got her first check up at a Chinese medical facility this morning. It was weird of course because of the language thing and she has a rash on her neck the I was worried might be chicken pox - oh yeah, forgot to mention there was a kid who came from a different orphanage that had chicken pox. AND THEY WERE IN THE ROOM NEXT DOOR TO US FOR 4 DAYS!. We were so pissed off when we found out. There's an MD in our group who was across the hall from the chicken pox kid and he was extremely upset as well. The kid was 'quarantined' as much as possible but we were scared she would be on our flight - thank God she wasn't. However the kid is here now in the White Swan.

Sadie's rash is not chicken pox, just heat rash. Its about 80 degrees and 110% humidity. Intense. I'm sitting in the back of souvenier store using these nice people's computer for free. I spent $42 American on stuff, fyi. I'm soaked with sweat and there's a loud fan blowing down on me. The keyboard is really sticky and all the letters are worn off. There are two girls in the front making beautiful carvings in glass. The shop girl who sold me the stuff and let me use the computer said Sadie is a "spice girl" because she comes from Jiangxi province where the food is spicy.

Anyway, Jackie says she'll write some tomorrow. There is so much to tell, it's hard to get it all out on a borrowed computer.

sick babies

The babies from the Ji An orphanage are all sick including Sadie. They have a nasty chest cold and can't lay down without hacking viciously. Last night and this afternoon when Sadie went to bed or napped she hacked the whole time. It's heart breaking to hear her suffer like that. When she's sitting up and playing she's fine. We had one of the agency people come check out Sadie this afternoon when she was napping and of course when the agency person was there Sadie slept like a rock and didn't cough once. Tonight we're going to give her some expectorant before bed that should help her cough and sleep.
Its really frustrating to just be hanging out in the hotel in Nanchang doing nothing while we wait for Sadie's passport - especially when Sadie is sick and should be home seeing her pediatrician in NYC. I don't get the timing of this process, I'm sure we could have gone to Guangzhou yesterday and started the US immigration work instead of hanging around here until Friday! That's still two days from now. I think the process can be streamlined for everyone's sake. I hate to complain after everything the agency has done for us but a lot of people in the group are confused and frustrated, especially the ones with the sick babies.

This computer isn't letting me upload pictures right now so that will have to wait until tomorrow. By the way, everything is in Chinese on the computer and browser so it's kind of challenging to edit photos and work on the blog - especially when the computer sucks to begin with. And, I can't see the postings because I guess blogs are not allowed here. One thing I learned on this trip for next time is bring plenty of medicine and your own computer.

more pictures

the computer in the business center is painfully slow. Sadies in the harness thing around my neck and freaking out so this will be quick - sort of.

Sadie pictures

First Cheerios today, she was happy.

We've had her for 24 hours now and have hit all the milestones, sleep, eat, pee, poop, nap, melt-down, play. I'm wiped out, Jackie is doing a lot better. Today we went to the official notary and finished our paperwork here in Nanchang but we have to wait for the gov't to deliver Sadie's passport which may take a few days.

The picture above is Sadie and Jackie meeting for the first time.

Sadie and dad meet for the first time.

This was the hardest part; the first hour Sadie was terrrified and confused. Her mood brightened after a fresh diaper and some food.

The adoption ceremony today at the official notary office.

Sadie's with us now

Its actually kind of hard to put this down but Sadie is with us and she's incredible. Such a sweetheart. Full of life, funny, rowdy, incredibly cute and so sweet. The hand off was harsh, it was in a conference room in the hotel. We were the last family to get our baby. Sadie went to Jackie right away but warily. It was hard to watch the expression on her face - sheer terror - as we took her out of the room and away from her caregivers who were all calling her name "Yan Yan". In the lobby and up in the elevator she was terrified and wet. In the room she didn't cry just looked terrified. We took her to the window, gave her a block with a bell in it. We had to feed her because we were told she was hungry. I made the mix of rice and formula and she sat in Jackie's lap and started to suck on the bottle. She ate a bit then pushed it away and started to cry. We figured she was uncomfortable so we changed her. That was a hysterical. It took the both of us to wrestle her out of her long johns and get her shoes and socks off then wipe her down and smear on the cream. I approached cream part like I was icing a cake which I realized was probably way too much but Sadie didn't seem to mind. We got the diaper on, another first and then put her into a short sleeved one piecer and a pair of plaid pants and she was ready to go. We went back to the chair and tried the bottle but she wasn't having it. I opened a jar of mixed fruit baby food and tried gave her some and she loved it. It took her a few spoonfuls to get the hang of it but she was definitely digging the new taste sensation. She chowed about a quarter of a jar then wanted to play. She came right to life after getting some of the jarred food. She played which her block and her little knit doll we gave her. We showed her the window and all the traffic down below - she loved it. I held her and she grabbed my neck. She didn't cry.
We put her on the bed and kept playing with her block and feeding her the jarred food. Her mood kept getting better and better. It was an amazing transformation. She finally started to laugh and squeal when we ticked her feet or scratched the bed in front of her. You could see her start to get attached - or maybe just fixed - on Jackie right during that first 45 minutes. She kept getting happier and happier. It was incredible. We then had to go down to the conference room to fill out paper work. We took Sadie down in her bare feet and short sleeved shirt and plaid pants and she was totally happy. Once in the room her mood stayed fine and she smiled and laughed at the other people. All the other babies were there and some were eating or crying or spacing out. It was great. Our case worker was a bit blown away I think by Sadie's mood and goofball antics. It was amazing.
After the paper work we took Sadie back upstairs for the next challenge - putting her to bed. We tried to give the bottle again but she didn't want it. We put her in the crib and she fussed around and tried to get. We laid her back down, stroked her cheeks and she mellowed right out. She got up again and I laid her down one more time, stroked her cheeks for a while and she calmed down. We had the lights out and she went to sleep. I can't believe how lucky we are Sadie is such a good baby.
She's got a cold and respiratory thing and is blowing snot and drooling and wheezing but she's alright. She's feisty as hell.
I can't wait for tomorrow but we have no idea what to do once she wakes up. I know we'll have to try the bottle again. Tonight she ate a whole jar of food.
Anyway, so far so good.

Leaving Beijing

We're getting ready to leave Beijing and fly to Nanchang. We were up at 5:30 this morning and ready to go by 6. Its bright and sunny out. Today is the day! By 5 PM we'll be parents. Incredible. I doubt I'll be posting in the next day or two but hopefully when I do I'll be able to post some pictures of our family.

more pictures

It's a bit after 7AM and our group is going to do some site seeing today. It's pouring rain outside and about 60 degrees so I'm not sure how the site seeing will go but its hard to pass up a chance to see the Great Wall. Here are a few more pictures from our trip so far. The site seeing is great I guess but again, all I really care about is getting Sadie and getting home. Its hard for us to sleep, we're both really excited and anxious to get her. Tomorrow at about 5PM we'll finally get Sadie in Nanchang. Its hard to really appreciate anything else that's going on. Maybe on our next trip we'll be more tuned into the tourist aspect of the trip.

street kids outside our hotel

This is a street in one of the Hu Tongs. Hu Tongs are old neighborhoods that haven't changed in hundreds of years. Definitely the best part of the trip so far was wondering around this Hu Tong.

These gentlemen are playing a board game with huge wooden pieces. There was so much life in the Hu Tong. People everywhere doing everything from cooking to playing games out in the open in small court yards and sidewalks.

At the Heavenly Temple.

More later...

first pictures

Here are some random shots from the plane ride and our first day and a half.

"only 13 hours to go!"













outside the hotel










there are people waiting for this computer so I'll put the other pictures up later...

Arrived in Beijing

we arrived yesterday to our hotel about 4 pm. the flight was not horrible but not easy either. just a quick note about the flight: the row we sat in had no window and the guy who sat in the window position of our row smelled so bad that he left a dense, toxic cloud of B.O. It was intense.

anyway, the hotel is great. the room has two single beds that are hard as rock and an interesting view of the highway and back of the hotel. we went to the "famous roast duck house" across the road f0r dinner last night and it wasn't bad at all although I don't recall ever having beef with such a weird textured. I was out cold by 8PM.

today we had a big american breakfast in the hotel restaurant with a bunch of other adopting couples from our group. everyone went off in their own directions after that. We went to a part of Beijing called the Hu Tong. It's a very old neighborhood with tiny, narrow streets and shanty town like houses. it was amazing. I got a lot of good video of that area. After that we went to the Heavenly Temple which was really beautiful as well as the grounds around the temple. Its really cold and foggy today and all I have are short sleeve shirts and no jacket because the weather forecast I checked online said 85. It was 90 here a couple of days ago. Tomorrow we go on an organized tour of the great wall and other sites with the group. It should be fun but to be honest I'm more interested in just getting to Nanchang and getting Sadie.

The air pollution is incredible. As someone in our group put it, the air is oppressive. We're going up to the room now to chill out for a while before meeting some people for dinner later. I think we're going to try going to go to the Friendship Store too later.
I'll post some pictures later.

leaving

Didn't make it to the gym. The car will be here in a few minutes. Its time to start moving our hundreds of pounds of luggage to the lobby. Maybe time for a quick picture. Done.

Okay, the car has arrived. Time to shut down and go.

packed and ready - more or less

I think we're finished packing. We have 3 large pieces of luggage, two backpacks and a small carry-on. We're not taking the stroller our friends lent us. Its too heavy and we're weighed down enough as is. We'll get a stroller in Nanchang, I think there is a Walmart there. Our itinerary shows a shopping trip so I'm assuming that's where we'll go. I feel like we're already traveling with a drug store complete with toy department and I bet we still find out we're missing something crucial once we get there.

The car is coming at 8:30 tomorrow morning for the half hour trip to Newark. Our flight leaves at 12:10 PM and we arrive in Beijing at 1 PM the following day. For the trip I filled my mp3 player and Jackie's iPod with a bunch of music. I also "rented" a CD-MP3 book "Manhunt: the 12 day chase for Lincoln's killer" and put that on my mp3 player. I've been told audio books are good for long plane rides.

Its almost midnight and I'm hoping to get up at 6:30 to go to the gym before the car comes but I really doubt that is going to happen. I'm feeling totally wired at the moment. The last few days at the office I had a knot in my stomach as I plowed through as many of the tasks as I could before going on my leave and I feel the same way now.

Today we took $2700 in cash out of the bank. That's how much we'll be traveling with tomorrow. We were lucky because the $3000 orphanage fee we were allowed to pay by cashiers check to our agency instead of traveling to China with the $3K in cash which is how it is usually done. We're bringing $1500 for other administrative fees and another $1100 for ourselves. I know there are a lot of international adoption programs that require the adopting parents to travel with large sums of cash so I feel like we got off easy. We have a couple of money belts that we'll be using on the trip. I've never used a money belt and I don't know if we put that on before we get to the airport, in the air or what. There were no directions with the money belts.

For the last couple of years I've thought of this trip only in terms of getting Sadie and getting home. However in the last couple of weeks people have been asking me if we are going to do some shopping while we're there. Item such as; ribbon microphones, Prada suits, Cuban cigars and opium have come up in conversation. I have no idea where I would look for this stuff. I'm guessing the knock-off stuff merch will come looking for us so I'm not too worried about it. But I'm still not thinking of the trip as a vacation at all. It'll be nice to get away but to be honest; Beijing or Guangzhou would not be on my short list of vacation destinations.

Lost Daughters of China

The National Geographic DVD, Lost Daughters of China is a great documentary that follows a group of families to China to adopt their daughters. The documentary also goes into a bit of detail about the cultural and social reasons why the Chinese value boys over girls. We had the DVD for about a year and never watched it until last week. We were totally blown away because the documentary shows the families hitting the tourist sites in Beijing, traveling to South East China to get their daughters and then traveling to Guangzhou to complete the paperwork then flying home. I would definitely recommend getting the DVD to get a good idea of what the experience is like. If you are waiting to go to China or thinking about adopting from Chinal don't wait until the week before you go to China to see this documentary like we did.

An impromptu party at O'Hare

Yesterday I was in Chicago on my last business trip before China. At the airport bar I had a little celebration. I asked the surly, overweight bartender if she could make a good martini and she said "yeah but it'll be in a plastic cup." Perfect I told her. I said it was a celebratory drink and she asked me why and I said because the day after tomorrow I'm going to China to adopt a little girl. The bartender's eyes lit up and she said "isn't that the coolest thing" and poured what seemed to me to be an extra long pour into the shaker. The bar was really crowded, typical airport bar that sticks out into the gate area and everyone around heard our exchange.
She gave me the martini and it was really good. I was celebrating all the hard work we've put in over the last 5 years trying to start a family and finally reaching the finish line I told her. I was also celebrating being off work for nearly a month to concentrate solely on learning how to be a dad and have a family.
The bartender was asking me a bunch of questions while simultaneously taking drink orders and checking every one's ID. A guy 4 stools away said "I was adopted!" "Very cool" I said. I didn't know what else to say. He said he was visiting Chicago from So. Cal. to visit his daughter. I didn't really want to know anymore details that he seemed eager to share and thankfully the lady sitting next to me asked me where in China we were going. Her and I had a nice talk. She was about my age, maybe a few years older and said her and her husband decided to not have kids but devote themselves to their friends and family's kids. She said Sadie was lucky and we were doing a great thing. The bartender asked me if we had a name and I said Sadie. The bartender boomed "Sadie! Isn't that the coolest thing" the adopted guy said "Hey, Sadie's going to live in New York, that's awesome" and it sort of went on like that for a while.
The bartender bought me another drink and more people were asking questions. I passed Sadie's picture around. The bartender actually called to the dishwasher to come out from the back to see the picture. I was getting embarrassed but at the same time I was happy to be having an impromptu party for Sadie's adoption.